Tali Gangsta Rap – A Mass Effect Parody Song

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A very special music production by Koobismo’s Workshop, in which our favorite quarian opens up about her experiences on the rough streets of the Rayya. Listen in and be amazed as T.Z.Narizzle talks about life, love, and just how many drive-bys it takes to help her sleep.

NOTE: As befitting a gangsta rap, this ‘song’ contains coarse language and reference to violence and jellyfish sexuality. It may not be appropriate for all audiences.

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED!

Keelah Sela-iiiiiiiiiii


Credits

Lyrics by AssaultSloth & The Illustrious Snail
Performed by the incredible Nokyo-Chan
Music written and composed by D. Finch & S. Finch
Engineered and arranged by D. Finch & JeffDaniel


Lyrics

I’m Tali’Zorah
I was born on
the bad side of tha Rayya
where the sinks pile up high and the bodies pile up highah.
My turn offs are sickness, and bosh’tets, robotics,
my drone Chiktikka always aimin’ for the optics
Antibiotics – I’m poppin’ ‘em, got a shot gun – it’s droppin’ ‘em.
I blow off their faces and move on when I’ve forgotten ‘em.
That’s often enough, but my suit don’t come off easy,
no breezes and sneezes in my helmet leave it greasy.
Need the Windex, I’m cleanin’.
Shine the visor ‘till it’s gleamin’.
No streaks on the vision – keep it pretty, know my meanin’?
I’m hermetic-ly sealed,
rip my suit and I’d get keeled,
but I say
I’m renegade I speak the bottom of the wheel.
Keep it real, and Keelah’selai?
I’m thinkin’ not!
Keelah B*TCH mother f**ker you know that when I got
my tech powers top my shields, I’m drainin’ yours like a sieve.
I’m a chef turnin’ geth into geth prime rib
delicious
Feelin’ vicious, not a little bit glib.
You better clear *ZAP* b*tch, I’m like a f**kin’ defib.

I’m Tali’Zorah, mothaf**ker, representin’ the fleet.
I’m the hippest hippiest quarian you evah gonna meet.
But these hips ain’t for show
I got clips down below.
Claymore strapped on each thigh whip ‘em out and let fly.
I can’t sleep, it’s too quiet, not enough ballers drivin’ by it
yeah the sweet lullaby of automatic fire’s a diet
like an angelic choir it calms my nerves it makes me tired
it puts me to sleep like an Enkindler flyer.
I’m the scourge of the geth,
shocked the reapers to death,
took the breath from every man those assholes Cerberus sent,
Read my vent,
Illusive Man can go ****** and he’s ****** his favorite hanar prostitute.

I’m Tali’Zorah, mothaf**ker, I’ve handled coloss – I
shot their flashlights in the face I’m the geth killin’ boss – I’m
responsible for the armature’s extinction and their loss
from the third game ‘sa shame but I made ‘em all dross.
But your face it makes me nauseous
it makes me wanna toss up
my dainty middle fingers
but the thing is that I’m hindered,
so instead I’ll use my words
‘cuz it’s hard to flip the bird
it’s a b*tch – it needs more digits, and I’m short by a third.

Your lyrics on the other hand they make me ashamed,
more confusin’ than my immune system changin’ every game!
You’re just lame,
a vorcha’s ass, you look the same and smell worse too,
you’ve got more therapy issues than the Normandy crew!
You’re a prick,
you make me sick like an airborne infection,
make me vomit in my helmet every day without exception.
You’re a bosh’tet to everyone in every direction
you’re an omini-tool and a slobbering fool you deserve all the hate that you get, son.

I’m Tali’Zorah motherf**ker, I’m a baller, a mauler
tell me brother what’s your favorite color, better than the others?
RGB, pick a scene,
it’s the last you’ll ever see.
I’ll spill your blood – is it red is it blue or is it green?
I got a knife by my foot,
show you my extended cut
let you bleed out on the floor fo’ you’ve a chance to rebut.
I may be hidden from view from my back to my front but I can ask about the Qwib-Qwib all day if I want!

I’m Tali’Zorah, b*tch, you KNOW I’m adored!
You can’t afford to come on board an’ face my fanboy horde!
These guys are crazy,
it’s amazing,
they all want in my pants
and when you answer to ‘em bosh’tet you ain’t got a f**kin’ chance.
You’d best recant
‘cuz I can’t
know if my mancers gonna stop
‘fore they wreck up your face like a crappy Photoshop!


Downloads

Download Tali’s Gangsta Rap Lyrics as PDF (PDF, 210 KB)
Download Tali’s Gangsta Rap Lyrics as JPG (JPG, 345 KB)
Download the song as MP3 from SoundCloud (MP3, 6MB)


Official wallpaper

Images by Assaultsloth

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Disclaimer

The Mass Effect universe, its design and characters are owned by BioWare/EA Productions. This is a work of parody and fan-fiction, created under the terms of fair use. We’re just fans playing around and having fun, meaning no disrespect. Same goes for Windex and Photoshop, incidentally.

14 Comments

Adoree

2013-01-25 00:14:04

Adoree

Best. Thing. Ever.

Now I want Geth Prime Rib.

JeffDaniel

2013-01-25 00:29:41

JeffDaniel

Sounds. . . delicious

Natalie Loftus

2013-01-25 00:44:30

Natalie Loftus

Oh Goddess this is amazing.

NokyoChan

2013-01-25 00:56:23

NokyoChan

Hellz yeah. Tali don’t play.

IKnowItsCrazy

2013-01-25 00:59:04

Dylan Shipley

Who knew that Nicky could rap?

AssaultSloth

2013-01-25 01:04:24

AssaultSloth

I DID, Darling. I DID.

Rachel Drazkowski

2013-01-25 03:16:17

By. The. Gods.

Is this real life? Can it be, please? Someone tell me I’m not dreaming, because this is the best thing I’ve heard in AGES.

Koobismo

2013-01-25 04:04:04

Koobismo

The only rap song I ever listened to more than once…

….and the only one I accidentally quoted in real life.

Touché, guys… Touché.

    Crul Lovetroy

    2013-01-25 13:38:55

    Crul Lovetroy

    I know I’m kinda spamming this site but each link I klick leads to so much awesomeness I can not ignore it, not by any chance. I’m not a Tali fanboy, but this was amazing.

Walter Hoye III

2013-01-25 04:18:50

Walter Hoye III

oh i love it. We Talimancers worldwide thank you.

Minty

2013-01-25 13:45:41

Minty

I almost cried listening to this. It is AMAZING.

Mike Doyle

2013-01-25 16:27:12

Mike Doyle

never again will my friends talk shit on Tali. never again.

Der Erlenkonig

2013-01-25 18:47:49

Der Erlenkonig

As a proud Talimancer, I approve this message.

BlueLogic

2013-03-11 15:37:56

This makes me smile.
Wait, how was I unaware of this for more than a month? Injustice!

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